Home-Bound

I’m sitting in the Amsterdam airport waiting for my connecting flight to Atlanta and then Miami. It didn’t really hit me that we were leaving Kenya until… well… I was physically on the plane departing. It’s weird—I’m not sad per say, but I met some really cool people and developed some great friendships over the course of two weeks. It’s strange having to say goodbye without knowing if I am going to come back and when. To be quite honest, I would love to go back but I’m not sure if I can do it soon. When I was saying goodbye to the staff, they kept asking if I was coming back next year. It’s different for other people on my team because they are all still undergrads while I’m not an alumnus. They have the ability to come back next year still as a “student” while I will be out of UM. And I’m not sure if one year away will give me enough perspective to come back with fresh thinking and ways to truly make the impact I want to in the community. Time will tell but I would like to go back one day. Meanwhile, I will try to stay in touch somewhat with some of my new friends through email and Skype. I’m not foolish to think I’ll be talking to them every day but I would like to talk every so often. I’m hoping I keep up with that.

Kenya was good for me. I had fun, I learned a lot about Kenyan culture, and I met some awesome people with inspiring stories and backgrounds. I’m not sure if I’m an entirely new or different person with a new life outlook because of it but I definitely have been shaped by it. I do believe that at any point in time in our lives, we are a sum of all our past experiences. For that reason, I do think this trip has changed me but not completed redefined me.

Since all our flights were departing at night (10:30pm for all of us, except Layne and Afonso who were leaving an hour after us) and the trip from Meru to the Nairobi airport is about 6 hours, we were leaving Thiiri in the afternoon after lunch. I woke up later than usual, around 8am but went on a last run. I ran into Alex who was walking to BLISS on my run back so it was nice to have a last goodbye with him. Surprisingly or not, I was still the first person at breakfast from my UM team. The rest of our morning at Thiiri was uneventful. I spent time packing, lounging about, and saying goodbyes to the staff and medical and pharmacy students.

After lunch, we brought out our luggage and had our final hugs and farewells. Then I sat in the van for 6 hours until we got to the airport. Since we didn’t get a chance to stop for dinner, we were looking for food but there was only one restaurant in the entire airport and it was extremely overpriced. When converting the price I paid in KES to US$, it’s the price I would pay for a meal at an airport anywhere, like the US. I guess airport food is expensive no matter where you are.

The flight wasn’t too bad. I thought I could have slept since it was an overnight flight but I just ended up watching three movies: Man on a Ledge, The Vow, and Chronicle. The last two weren’t anything spectacular but who can deny free movies on a flight? Now I’m waiting a few hours for my next flight. I just looked at my ticket and realized that my layover in Atlanta is 4 hours so that’s a bit annoying. All I want to do when I get home is shower and sleep. I’m looking forward to it.

Last Day in Meru

Today was my last full day in Kithoka, Meru. It was also our final presentation day and my team was meeting at 8am to do last minute edits and preparation. All the groups were presenting to the community leaders our finalized projects at 10am. While two weeks of work doesn’t seem like that much at first thought, it feels like we really have done a lot within that short window of time. My entire team was late but honestly, I expected that much—8am is so early. We created a short powerpoint to follow through while presenting and went through some very rough practices before 10am.

Since we are group 3, we were the last to present. Gwin and Tomas spearheaded the first group and their idea was a tourism agency. The idea is to create a partnership among many businesses in the Meru area to develop a two to three week vacation for American tourists. It would focus on a cultural immersion experience rather than the traditional tourism experience in which people come to Kenya just to see the animals and go on safaris. It’s a good idea and one that can actually be easily implemented since they are partnering with current businesses already in place and using the infrastructure already in place. Afonso and Layne led the second group and their ideas were an poultry business and a recruitment agency. For the former idea, they and their group realized that the profit margin for selling chicken is actually quite large. They had gone into the market with the initial thought of starting an agricultural businesses but that idea transformed a bit since getting water was a huge barrier. They had also talked to some locals and realized how profitable the poultry business is. For the latter business, they thought it might be good for the community to have a recruitment agency that connects employers and employees. Both sides would work with this company to find the other; employers want to ensure they get employees who have the skillset they desire and employees want jobs. My group presented on two ideas as well: an online Swahili tutoring company and an afterschool program. I had spent more time on the former business plan while Will focused more on the latter business plan. For the online Swahili tutoring company, I noted that there are universities and students in the US who are learning Swahili and it would be helpful for them to practice with real fluent speakers. And my original objective was to create job opportunities in the Kithoka and Meru area since unemployment is such a large issue here. In the afterschool program, it would focus primarily on the younger Primary School students at first. Many students walk home or take the bus home after their classes end around 4pm but their parents may still be at work or busy. This program would create a benefit for not only parents who would know where their kids are, but also for students to develop further academically and personally.

We got feedback from the audience after our presentations but they were all pretty supportive and helpful. Afterwards, we ate lunch as a large group and then the UM students had a short meeting for our last debrief. I feel like everyone has gotten something different from this trip but it has been a good one for every single one of us. I’ve really developed some good bonds with the locals and I will miss seeing them every day, working with them, and playing with them.

Since I still hadn’t really purchased anything to take home with me, Bonnie said he would take me into town to get a flag, which is the only thing I really wanted. I have attempted to start collecting flags from countries I have visited; thus far, I have the Grenada flag and the Ghana flag. I should probably get a China flag and I will get the Korea flag once I am there. Interestingly enough, it was today, one of the last days, that I got to try some new local “experiences.” Bonnie and I walked outside of Thiiri to the road and grabbed a cab to town. How it works is that cars drive by and honk at you to see if you need a ride. If you put out your hand, they stop and ask you where you are going. If they are going in that direction, then you negotiate a price with the driver before you get in. They jam pack the taxi with four in the back and two in the passenger seat. However, being a mzungu (“white person”) made it tough to bargain with everyone because they don’t think I know any better and I will pay any price. When we got to town, we walked to a specific shop and Bonnie went in by himself. I stood outside so they wouldn’t overcharge him for the flag. We then took public transportation back to Thiiri too.

When I got back to Thiiri, there was no one around. When I had left, most people were still there hanging out. I hung around for about 15 minutes and then Muse, the Eco Lodge manager came out of nowhere. He was there for the final presentations but I had no idea he was staying. He mentioned he was planning on going into town to see some things so I asked if I could join. We took the public transportation again to town and walked around. We hung out around town, junction, and Nakumatt for quite a while. When we finally returned to Thiiri, I stopped by the Curio Shop inside Thiiri and purchased a few souvenirs for people back in the states. I actually think I spent more money today (collectively from the flag and souvenirs) than I have in the past two weeks.

Then it was time for dinner. Today was a special dinner since it was our last one and it was an appreciation dinner for the teachers in the Kithoka community. We didn’t eat at Thiiri as usual but drove to that hotel that we usually watch the Eurocup games at. Everyone we have worked with was pretty much invited, as well as the staff. There must have been at least a few hundred people there. It was pretty casual, with people hanging around and talking but it was a packed hotel and we had reserved two floors. We pretty much spent 6pm to midnight at this hotel since we ate, chatted, drank, and watched Portugal beat Czech Republic in the Semifinals of the Eurocup. Then we headed back to Thiiri and decided to call it at night.

It’s crazy how fast it’s gone. Tomorrow’s my last day and we are leaving Kithoka in the early afternoon for Nairobi to catch our evening flight.

My Days Are Numbered

When I woke up this morning, I still felt tired from the safari trip. Even though I wasn’t super active from the game drives, I still felt exhausted. I couldn’t even get up to go on a run. Part of the problem was also that some of us were leaving Thiiri at 7:45am to go to a Primary School’s morning ceremony at 8am. This specific Primary School was also down the street but it didn’t have any running water or electricity. In fact, they just upgraded their facilities and got glass for their windows. This was a school I haven’t been to yet. So apparently, at every school, they have a ceremony of sorts every morning where the head master, or principal, gives a few inspiring remarks or announcements to get the students ready for the day. When I asked Rama about the effectiveness of doing such a ceremony on a daily basis, he said it works because no kid wants to be late for that ceremony. If you do, you honestly have to stand aside from the rest of the group and be dismissed after everyone else.

When we got to the school, they were in the middle of the ceremony but the headmaster greeted us and announced our arrival to the students. Dan has been working with this school for a while so we were pretty welcomed. He also brought a bunch of materials for the kids such as markers, crayons, construction paper, pipe cleaners, stickers, etc. After the kids were dismissed, Gwin and I went into Grade 1’s class to play with them for a bit. We gave them construction paper, markers, crayons, and stickers. Unfortunately, they were just beginning their English education so they only knew a few basic words. The teacher did a lot of translation for us. The kids were still so incredibly cute though. And some of those kids can really draw. I saw drawings of cats, cows, mangoes, cars, and even a helicopter.

Around 9am, Gwin said she had to leave to make her group meeting at 10am so I walked her back. I wanted to go back to the school and play with the kids at recess though since I didn’t have any plans until my group meeting at 2pm. Luckily, Jacob was there and told me he would drop me off. I went back to the school and pretty much just played with the kids at recess. Those kids love holding onto your hand and arms though. I have never had so many children touch, grab, and pull on every part of my arm for attention. Once they hold on, they don’t let go either. When I used a wet wipe later, you could actually see all the dirt that came off my hands and arms.

I went back to Thiiri in time for lunch and then did some research and work on my own until my team arrived around 2pm. Phineas took Gwin and Tomas’ team and my team to the town market, the waterfall, and the big tree. These were all random “attractions” that I wanted to hit up and see before I left Meru. Since we’re presenting tomorrow and leaving Friday afternoon, I figured today was the last real available day to really go and see these things. The market was a cool experience. There are street vendors as far as the eye can see in every direction. There are kids walking around rolling wheelbarrows following people who are buying a lot of things and need help carrying stuff, working just to get a small tip. There are all types of foods and products being sold. I felt like if I need anything, I could probably find it in the market. The waterfall was a normal waterfall. The big tree was actually pretty cool. At first, I was skeptical because I’ve seen some pretty big trees before and to call something a “big tree,” it better live up to its name. It did. It went up extremely high and had a huge base. The interesting thing was that it was completely hollow inside, from the base all the way up. We fit about 10 people in there at once; it was insane and pretty cool.

After the trip, my team started talking about our project and business ideas. We got a good basic understanding of our presentation tomorrow and walked through some of the questions. We were pretty efficient, finishing up in about an hour with the finalization of the ideas. After my team left and I ate dinner, I started typing up our business plans in the computer lab. Victor put on some music for me to jam to while working but I didn’t finish the Swahili Online Tutoring Business Plan until about 11pm. I think I went pretty in-depth but the hope is that the presentation goes well tomorrow. Our team is aiming to meet around 8am so the lack of sleep should be interesting.

What a Safari Trip

I just got back from the safari trip to Meru National Park. It was quite epic and I had a lot of fun. Although it was only two days, it felt much longer.

Recap on yesterday: I thought we were departing from Thiiri around 9am so I woke up around 7:30am and decided I didn’t have enough time to run, shower, and eat breakfast before we left. I was very wrong. I was the first from our team at breakfast and I had already packed and brought my stuff with me. Everyone else came and left to go back to their rooms to pack. I ended up sitting around and reading up on some news until mid-morning when the other safari trip came back and the locals arrived. I believe we ended up departing around 11am or so. It’s a little less than two hours’ drive to the Murera Springs Eco Lodge, where we were staying. It’s a really nice lodge about five minutes from the Meru National Park entrance. Everything—the lights, water, etc. is solar powered and there are individual “tents” for each room. The “doors” are made from a tent-like material and are opened with zippers. The overall “tent” is raised from the floor. It was actually a really nice place and I was very impressed. I think it’s equivalent to a four and half star hotel or something in America.

When we arrived, we had a short meeting about the plans for the next two days, which included taking a mini-hike for the day (yesterday) and scoping the area and then going on an early morning game drive and afternoon game drive for the next day (today). We were split into our room assignments and told to reconvene in about 15 minutes to eat lunch. I shared my tent room with Lillian and after we put down our stuff, we figured we had enough time to do a quick walk on our own before eating lunch. We walked down the path and then decided to walk past the stone path that was obviously marked off as a traditional walking path. To make a long story short, we walked past a stream, saw some fish ponds, met some of the locals at their home nearby, and asked if we could continue walking and circle around back to the Eco Lodge. We were told yes so we took a path we assumed would take us back to our original starting point. We were given poor directions because we must have walked 20 minutes without reaching our intended destination. We finally stopped and chose to head back in the direction we came from instead of continuing down the same path. On our way back, we saw a man with a machete. We figure, what’s the harm in asking for directions from a local again? It was apparently a lot. Lillian asked him to if he could direct us to the Eco Lodge in Swahilil and he started leading us so we started following. The next thing I know, we are passing another stream (probably the same stream), and into the forest. He starts hacking away at the plants in our path. It felt like we were in the movies where the scene is a forest and there is no real path made by humans. Everything was touching us, scratching at our skin, and we were the intruders in this place. I felt so itchy because I was wearing a short sleeve shirt and capris and all types of plants, and animals for that matter, were touching me at one point or another. I was behind the man with the machete and Lillian was walking behind me. After we walked in the forest for about 20 minutes and passed streams (literally the same stream) about four times, Lillian asked the man again if he was taking us to the Eco Lodge. At this point, it honestly felt like he was taking us farther away since there was no way we walked that far from the Eco Lodge at the beginning. That’s when we realized what happened. He sounded surprised because he thought we asked him to take us on a NATURE WALK. I have never wanted to facepalm, while laughing, so hard in my life. Lillian asked him to not take us back the way we came so we walked out of the forest and around the edge back to the fish pond and to the exact place where we first asked for directions and got lost. We backtracked and got back to the Eco Lodge but were an hour late for lunch. It was actually quite humorous when we were back. They had to make extra food since they were not aware we were missing and did not save us food.

After we scarfed down our food, we took the vans out to this hill in what felt like the middle of nowhere. We hiked up and the view was gorgeous. When I first arrived in Kenya, I remarked that it did not resemble what I thought it would look like. However, this view was exactly what I first envisioned. The land went beyond my eyesight; the silhouette of the mountains gave an unreal backdrop; it was beautiful. We took tons of pictures and then walked around for a bit afterwards before heading back to the vans. We explored Mother Nature in all her glory. There were also homes randomly scattered around the land. Children were running around looking at us and they were so adorable. After some time outside, we took the vans to the entrance of the National Park and purchased our tickets for the next day (today) so we would be able to just drive into the park in the morning. While we were waiting for Bundy to get the tickets, I started learning some slang Swahili from Patrick. I asked him how to say “What’s up?” and once I had practiced enough, I walked up to Victor and said, “Niaje?” He started cracking up hysterically. Apparently the way I do it, the manner and facial expression in which I say it, is quite funny. I tried it on Luis and others too and everyone laughed. From that one phrase, I started learning more slang Swahili from Lillian and some of the others.

After we got our tickets, we headed back to the Eco Lodge and reconvened for dinner around the pool. It was quite dark in the area since the Eco Lodge is situated in the forest and has only so many lamps along the path to your tent cabin room. It’s definitely less light than I’m used to in America, and even at Thiiri but it was so cool because it was all solar powered and felt so much more natural. Nowadays, the world has so much light pollution that we can’t even see or appreciate the stars at night. Dinner was an awesome experience too. Since we were a large group, the lodge manager (Muse) invited the Meru Cultural Group to come and sing and dance for us. They were all wearing traditional headgear, clothing, etc. and pulled many of us in to dance with them. I felt like I got my exercise for the day just getting up and dancing with them for ten minutes. The food was really delicious too. There was even a barbeque of sorts with goat meat being cooked in front of us. It was just a really fun night with good food, good people to hold good conversations with, and mood setting with the lamps, little lighting, and dinner outside by the pool. My practice of slang Swahili with everyone made it quite humorous too. Honestly, I will miss the friends I have made here; they are really great.

After some time, people started going to bed and I did the same. I took a shower, chatted with Lillian while in bed, and then fell asleep. Unfortunately, we didn’t sleep very long because we had to get up around 5:20am to make our 5:45am breakfast and 6:30am sunrise game drive at the National Park.

Not everyone made it to today’s breakfast and we headed out quite early to try to make it to see sunrise. Apparently most of the animals come out at dawn and dusk because it is much cooler; during the day, most animals like to hide away from the sun in the shade. The goal was to see as many animals as possible before they hid for the rest of the day. My personal goal was to see a lion, or simba (which is Swahili for lion). Unfortunately, that goal was not realized today. We did however, see a lot of other animals: monkeys, baboons, ostriches, all sorts of deer-like-things, water buffalos, buffalos, fish, elephants, giraffes, rhinos, wart hogs, birds, etc. It was so cool to see them in the wild and I got tons of pictures. My favorite picture of the day however, came quite early. Bundy pointed out some monkeys in the trees so I started taking pictures. I got three shots in this order: a male monkey about to get on a female monkey, a male monkey actually on top of a female monkey, and the male monkey on another branch from the female monkey. It was hilarious. When the monkey saw us, he got off the female monkey. Out of all my pictures, that is still my favorite and I still laugh every time I look at that picture.

I didn’t realize how fast time flies by when on a game drive. We drove until noon and then left to go back for lunch at the Eco Lodge. Again, the food was delicious. After we ate, we had a short group meeting since our final presentation is on Thursday and we had some things to discuss. Then we had the option of going out on another game drive or staying and relaxing at the Eco Lodge. It was split about 50/50 of those who went and those who stayed. I definitely wanted to go on another game drive and hoped to see simba. Although we didn’t, I got some more good pictures of other animals. Around 5pm, we headed back to Eco Lodge and boarded up the vans and each van left one at a time as people were ready. Even though I was ready for a while, I left on the last van. My van got back to Thiiri around 8pm. I had a quick dinner and more importantly, an extremely refreshing shower. I didn’t realize how much sand was getting on me while on the drive. There was sand on my clothes, my hair, my face, my camera, my bag, etc. I guess it’s part of the experience.

Some slang Swahili I have mastered:
“Cheki huyu msee” – Look at this guy.
“Unaangalia” – What are you looking at?
“Niaje” – What’s up?
“Poa” – I’m cool.
“Ni ni” – What?
“Fiti” – I’m good.
“Ana do” – What is he doing?
“Ana se” – What is he saying?

Kids

Since Kenya is primarily a Christian nation with a few churches on every block, most people attend church on Sundays. Although not everyone on our team is a Christian, we attended a Methodist service to experience a part of Kenyan culture. Even though I knew we weren’t leaving for the service until 9:10am, I woke up at 7am and went on a run. Since today is a Sunday though, I only saw about two cars total while on my run, as compared to ten or so cars on a normal weekday. The service was interesting and the church we decided to attend is one that Marilyn (who runs the Thiiri Center), Moses (headmaster at BLISS), and a few others we work with like Emmanuel and Luis, attend. Today, Marilyn was actually the speaker. I noticed that the service consisted mostly of worship songs and we were constantly standing up to sing or follow the choir in a hymn. It was definitely a unique experience.

After our service, we went back to Thiiri and ate lunch. Around noon, Phineas (our Genesis tour guide who remained with us while the others went on the safari) picked us up and took us to Nakumatt and then to IPI. The latter is where a bulk of our time went. Layne brought some of the soccer balls to Amani for the kids to play with. When we got there, they were just finishing lunch so they were ready to play. We spent the next four hours at Amani playing soccer, throwing a football, etc. The kids were absolutely adorable. One kid, Kevin, came up to me and said he recognized me. He attends Kithoka Primary School and was at recess two days ago when I went to visit. I thought it was pretty cool that he remembered me. After playing, Dr. K invited us to have some tea and then we planted the Peace Tree for her. It’s a painted tree with “Peace on Earth” engraved on it and “Peace begins with me” in different languages painted all over it. It’s pretty cool and we got the opportunity to finally plant it for her.

We left around 5pm to head back to Thiiri and relax for a bit. When we came into the Thiiri lot, I noticed there were at least 20 or so cars parked. There were people everywhere—on the lawns, in the pool, in the dining room, on the balcony, etc. Apparently the Thiiri Center gets used frequently on the weekends, which makes sense. The UM dental students also had arrived and were in the dining room. They got into Nairobi last night, came into Meru today, and are staying at IPI with the medical and pharmacy students. Like us, they are here for two weeks but are doing similar projects to the medical and pharmacy students (health surveys).

I wandered around Thiiri for a bit, sat on the swings, chatted with Gwin and then we saw Phineas sitting in his van near the front. We asked him what he was up to and he said he wanted to go somewhere for a bit and come back. He was going to “junction” to see people. We ended up jumping in the van with him since we had time to kill before dinner and wanted to see a bit of Meru from a local perspective. We got to chat with him in the car about some cultural things like perceptions, customs, Meru traditions, dating, etc. Around 7pm, he drove us back to Thiiri just in time for the start of dinner. I sat with three of the dental students and got to know them a bit. Some of the things they talked about regarding teeth were so intriguing and kind of scary; it definitely makes me want to take care of my teeth.

Around 9:15pm, we headed out to a bar/karaoke place to watch the Eurocup. It’s a different place than the hotel we have been going to. Bundy (the director for Genesis and the head honcho driver) joined us and then told us he would take us to another place during halftime that had two televisions that showed the Portugal and Germany game. When we went to it, we figured out it was actually a “Members Club.” On the back of the chairs, it read “Kinoku S Club.” I assume it’s a gentlemen’s club or something of that sort since there were no girls around, except for us and there were a bunch of soccer posters and random “manly” stuff. It was actually pretty cool.

Today was probably my favorite or one of my favorites so far because of the time I got to spend with the kids playing around. It was just so relaxing and fun.

Lazy Weekends

I feel like Saturdays and Sundays run a bit slower in Kenya. I woke up at 7am per usual and did some jump roping, pushups, crunches, etc. but few people were awake when I went to breakfast. Everyone was still asleep except for Rama, who ended up going back to bed anyway, and the faculty and Will, both whom had to be since they was going on the safari trip with the med school and pharm school students. This weekend is extremely quiet since the GIEU students left this morning and the faculty is gone. There are a total of 7 people who are living at and using Thiiri full time for two days. It’s much quieter. After everyone left, Jim and I sat around the dining room talking for a bit about plans for the day. I ended up getting a bit of laundry done and then sat around in my room until our meeting at 11am. We met with Kevin and Mwamba, an experienced entrepreneur who gave a presentation on entrepreneurship and feedback on our business ideas. My original thought was that the meeting would last two hours, tops. I was severely wrong—we ended at 2:30pm. It was quite informative but just long.

After the meeting, Tomas, Afonso, Layne, Lillian, and I walked over to BLISS. I walked some ways behind with Lillian but it was awesome. She’s very intelligent and great to hold a conversation with (Lillian and I are in the photo together).

Right now, she’s getting her MBA at Meru University. For some reason, the conversation just flowed easily; we talked about culture, life, questions we had, etc. It was really nice. Lillian and I ended up continuing our conversation while sitting in the grass while the rest of the group played soccer with the primary school kids next door to BLISS. We headed back to Thiiri around 5:30pm. After Lillian left, I ended up in a conversation with Gwin and Jim until dinner around 6:30pm. The seven of us could fit around one table in the dining hall so it definitely felt extremely empty. They also shut off the lights around Thiiri to conserve energy so it felt even later than the reality. We ended up talking at the dinner table until 8:30pm before heading to our rooms for the night.

Like I said, today was slow and a bit of lazy day.

Would Taking an Kenyan Child Home Be Considered Checked Luggage?

Today was a child-filled day. Per usual, I woke up around 7am and went on a run. It took a lot more effort to run today even though I slept at 9:30pm last night (yes I am aware I slept almost 10 hours). The way I figure it though is if I choose not to run one day, it will be much easier for me to choose not to run the following day, and the day after; it turns into a snowball effect of laziness. I also didn’t realize yesterday but the back of my neck is a bit sunburned. It feels a bit tender so the sun must have been beating down on it during yesterday’s hike. Today’s run was special though—some kids who were on the road walking to class saw me and started running alongside me. They only ran about 30 seconds with me but it was adorable nonetheless. After showering and eating breakfast, I walked to BLISS with Thomas and Chuck, the two GIEU leaders. When I got there, I found out that today was not a traditional Swahili learning day but the GIEU students were teaching in the classrooms since they are leaving Meru tomorrow. I saw Moses, the BLISS headmaster, said hello and asked if I could attend a class. He led me to a Form 1 class (9th grade equivalent), where I got to sit in and listen to the agriculture lesson. I drew attention from each student from the offset. Every pair of eyes was on me and it didn’t stop when I sat down at a desk in the back. I listened to the teachers and observed the students. I realize that kids are the same everywhere, it doesn’t matter if they live in the US or Kenya or China. Younger kids have not been completely conditioned in their environment yet so I feel like they all act the same and share the same innocence. Watching the classroom, there were students sleeping with their heads down, students whispering while the teacher was talking, students passing notes, students paying attention, students playing with random objects, etc. I feel like I would see the same thing if I went into a US 9th grade classroom and I expect to see the same if I teach 9th grade English in Korea. The kid behind me was a bit annoying though. He kept blowing at my hair. I’m not sure if he was trying to get my attention, or thought my hair was interesting, but he would not stop. I finally turned around, looked him straight in the eye and asked, “Can I help you?” He replied that he did not so I said, “Okay. Stop blowing.” I don’t think he expected me to be so direct so it was kind of funny. When I turned back around in my seat, everyone was looking at me. Since they don’t see foreigners on a daily basis, I assume they find me intriguing.

After extensive agriculture learning, I headed over to one of the primary school next door. BLISS has two primary schools next door, one is part-boarding school, part-public school and the other one is strictly a public school. I got a chance to see both the schools. I got to take tons of pictures of the kids while they were at recess playing.

There was one class that the teacher said, “Today, we are going to learn how to do a front flip.” My jaw dropped. She wasn’t kidding. She went onto demonstrating and showing the kids how to do it. The way these kids picked it up though makes me think that they’ve been able to do these flips since they’ve been walking. Honestly, the kids LOVE having their pictures taken. There were kids tugging on my shirt asking me to take their picture. They wanted to touch my camera, they wanted to get their pictures taken, etc. To be honest, I find myself in an ethical debate. Is it ethical to take pictures of these kids? If some stranger from another country came to the United States, went to an elementary of middle school, asked if he/she could take pictures, and then took photos of the students playing, I would think that person was a pedophile or a creep. If I had a child, I would not want that person near my child, I would not want that person to take a picture of my child or take a picture with my child. Yet, somehow, we Americans find it acceptable to go to Africa and take pictures of African children that we do not know? Even though we get the “okay,” is it actually fine to do that? In reality, when I go back home, will I remember every child’s name that I took a picture of? No, I won’t. And even if I knew their names, what makes me think it’s okay to know these kids for 2 weeks and then feel close enough with them to take their pictures? It’s something I think about every time I play with these kids. This is something I thought about when I was in Ghana too. At the end of the day though, I took their pictures and I’m not really ashamed of it because they wanted their pictures taken. They even asked to have their pictures taken. Yes, I don’t remember all their names but they don’t care. They are carefree children. They know we find them absolutely adorable.

After many pictures, I began walking back to Thiiri since it was getting close to noon, also known as lunch time. Just as I passed BLISS, I saw Jim in a van so I hopped in to avoid walking back. While waiting for the food to get ready, I passed by some of the kitchen staff. Since I tend to err on the friendly side, I greeted them and engaged in conversation. They were peeling potatoes so I asked if I could join. It was pretty awesome because I got to know the kitchen staff and I helped prepare food for dinner. I had some good conversations and felt at ease with them. They even gave me a new name, Ntinte, in the local language. Translated, it means “good person,” which I think is pretty awesome. After lunch, I met with Jim and Kevin, a local from town who is here for the weekend and is pretty knowledgeable about businesses in Kenya; it was a status update and they provided some feedback. Then I got a chance to go into the kitchen and hang out with the kitchen staff some more. They taught me how to make chipatti, a Kenyan food (kind of like flat bread). It’s flour, sugar, water, and oil. It’s kind of like a fried pancake that is rolled up; it’s pretty good. The staff is really friendly and fun to just joke around with.

Sometime later in the afternoon, there were a bunch of kids who showed up at BLISS. There had to be at least 200 of them. They were all pre-primary kids with their ages ranging from three to five. They were so cute. They also loved having their pictures taken and running around with us. They tugged on my shirt a lot and loved stroking my hair, pulling on my skin, etc. I didn’t mind it too much but I felt like I was being mobbed by 50 kids at once. It was crazy.

After it calmed down, I got to hang out a bit before dinner. Our group meeting was cancelled to give everyone some time to relax after yesterday’s hike. I played a bit of table tennis, talked with some of the med students, and just relaxed. Dinner was a bit hectic as there were about 100 people being served. Since it was the GIEU students’ last night, they and their host families came for a special last-night dinner at Thiiri. It seemed like the GIEU students really had a great time with homestays and built some awesome community ties. After dinner, Afonso, Tomas, Gwin, Will, and I went to go watch the Eurocup match and then headed back to Thiiri for the night.

Kids really are awesome to hang out around. They have little worries, they dream big, they love life. I think the more we grow up, the more we lose focus on the important things like family, friends, food, and a good time. Kids have the answer to life. We just lose sight of it as we get older and start paying attention to different things.

Hiking

I gave my cell phone to one of my team members, Luis, last night since he is in the business of fixing phones; my 3gs IPhone has a cracked screen from when I dropped it a few weeks prior. I didn’t realize it at the time but I use my cell phone as my alarm so when I was going to bed last night, I freaked out because I have no other way of waking up. Since we were hiking Mount Kenya today and were leaving at 7am, I had to wake up even earlier than usual. And the fact that we went out the night before meant I was sleeping even later. So essentially, I ended up sleep very little and very lightly so I could wake up a few times during the night to check the time to make sure I wasn’t late. When I woke up and the time was 5:45am, I decided to just stay awake since I knew there would be no way I could reawaken myself in half an hour. By the time I got to the dining room at 6:30am, I realized I was the first one there. We didn’t even end up leaving until 7:30am or so since we were still waiting on others. What an epic fail.

The drive to Mount Kenya was about an hour. Emmanual, one of the BLISS graduates was sitting next to me on the van so I had an interesting conversation with him. He asked some unique questions and made some comments that I didn’t know how to respond. His questions were mostly regarding American perceptions and culture. He asked if we (Americans) expected Kenyans to ask us for money; why we ignore friendly strangers when they say hi; if anyone could get into university in America; etc. He then went on to talk about our group specifically and talked about his situation. He graduated from BLISS and tested well enough to go to university but was trying to fundraise money to attend. However, his peers that did not test well enough to attend university were saying things to the extent that our group was giving him money and sponsorships to attend university; they were accusing him of fundraising money to just pocket. He also said that he and the rest of the locals we are working with are very lucky since they have the opportunity to join us in our adventures. Our group is paying for their safari trip on Monday and has been dishing out for other random occasions too; for example, the trip to Mount Kenya was free and at the bar last night, there were 2 drinks on the house, etc. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond or feel, to be honest. That’s something I need to sleep on.

We drove up the side of the mountain, instead of using the typical entrance to avoid potential political demonstrations that would have blocked the road. The three vans drove up about an hour into the slopes and it was supposed to go up even further but the soil and lack of grip caused the vans to stop about 9 kilometers short of the supposed drop off point. One van couldn’t drive up a certain hill so everyone packed into two vans to get further until those two vans were also stopped by the landscape. So we got off and started walking. We had about 3 tour guides with us who live in the town near the mountain and climb the mountain on a daily basis. I was talking to the main tour guide guy and he said he’s been hiking the mountain for the past 59 years. He’s got to be well into his 60’s or 70’s but he’s in awesome shape, which makes sense for someone who hikes up miles of mountain every day. Everyone was going at a different speed so there were clumps of people who were walking up together. I started out pretty fast initially but slowed down as we got deeper into the slopes. We hiked for about two hours and stopped for lunch. Because we had to start our hike earlier than expected, we stopped shorter than expected too. We were at the same altitude as the clouds. It was a breath taking view regardless. Initially, we were trying to reach the bottom of Mount Kenya since we were only hiking on the slopes of the mountain. There was a lake nearby too. However, by the time we finished lunch around 1pm, we found out that it was another 1.5 hours trip to the lake. That means it would take 3 hours roundtrip to get to our lunch location. From there, it was another 2 hours to return to the vans and another hour to get out of the forest/mountain slopes and onto a road. We wouldn’t get onto the road until 6pm and since sunset is at 6:30pm, we would be cutting it extremely close. It is dangerous to be in the forest or mountain any time after dark so we decided against continuing further. We walked back to the van and then drove back to Meru. Everyone and anyone we passed stopped and stared at us. I’m not exaggerating. Every pair of eyes were on us as we drove through the town closest to the mountain.

It is fair to say I got a good share of exercise today, to say the least. It had to be at least a few miles of hiking up and down the mountain. When we got back, I ate a quick dinner and took a glorious shower. I think everyone is feeling tired so we all holed up in our rooms after dinner, even though it’s relatively early. I guess this is how elderly people feel—early to rise, early to rest.

Inspiring

My game plan was to go swimming in the morning instead of running as I often get bored of the same exercise routine. However, the moment I walked out my door at 7am and felt the cold breeze, I knew it wasn’t going to happen but I still was slightly willing to go. I woke up Rama as he said he was going to join me last night. He convinced me to postpone swimming until later in the afternoon when the sun would be out and the water would be warmer. So instead of going on a run, I decided to jump rope. I never really thought about it but jumping rope is actually really good for your heart and health. It’s cardio and gets your heart beating quickly and slows it down just as fast when you stop in-between to rest. Then after my shower and breakfast, I headed to BLISS as usual with Afonso and Layne. The entire GIEU students were back today; these past few days, half of the group went on a safari trip. This group that left included Chris from AIV, who I know. While at BLISS, our group only got a chance to sit in the class for about 30-45 minutes since we had an appointment with Dr. K at International Peace Initiatives (IPI) at 9:30am. When we left to walk towards IPI, Jim and Jacob stopped and picked us up. It’s a good thing too since it’s quite a maze of roads down there and we would have gotten lost for sure.

IPI is essentially an orphanage and more that has grown and expanded in really unique ways (see photos). Dr. K is the one who started and runs IPI and has quite an amazing story. She shared her experiences and journey with us when we met with her. To make a long story short, she is originally from Kenya, not Meru, but nearby. She got a Master’s Degree in South Africa and then got accepted into a program in the United States for another Master’s Degree at the University of Denver. She continued on to get her PhD there. This is more of a fairy tale story than I’m making it out to be because there are bits and pieces that really show her determination and passion. She got her Master’s in South Africa in one year instead of two to save money and slept every other night in order to get it done. When she was on the US, she was struggling and applied to scholarships every weekend. Overall, she applied to almost a thousand scholarships. When she came back to Kenya for an internship and was at her mother’s home, there were women there who were asking for her help (thinking she was wealthy now that she lived in the US) because their husbands were passing away due to HIV/AIDS, their children were not enrolled at school (no money), and they were looking for ways to make money as well as care and provide for their children. She asked these mothers what they wanted her to do because she believes that each person must be a part of the process in their own empowerment. When she came back to the US later that year, she cooked for 3 days and invited friends over and told the story of these women; she raised $4000. Over the next few years, she would repeat the same fundraising effort and continued to raise money. She would send this money back to enroll the children in school. The story continues and continues to be even more amazing as what I have written above. Over time, she raised enough money to create just the foundation for the orphanage. Then she got an email from someone from the UK who was looking for an African nonprofit involved in HIV/AIDS children. In short, everything came together; she gives glory to God for this as she expressed her faith to us while giving her testimony. Over time, IPI has expanded and they are now trying to become self-sufficient. They have a jewelry making business that employs single mothers so they are able to have an income; they have a tourism business which is a van that picks people up from the airport and takes them on safari trips and other sightseeing sites; they are building cottage houses as rentable rooms for guests as a means of income; they are attempting organic farming and currently farm their own vegetables; they are now attempting to use solar energy through the use of solar panels. In short, Dr. K has really done some amazing things at IPI and truly transformed the community and made such a huge impact on Meru and the surrounding area. On our visit, it’s easy to see how beautiful IPI is. She's inspiring, really. It’s quite a sight and even more beautiful when you understand the story behind it.

After our visit with Dr. K, we headed back to Thiiri for lunch and our daily meetings at 2pm with our groups. Our group has decided to work on an afterschool center as compared to the online Swahili tutoring program and solar panel lighting options that we were previously talking about pursuing. We are sending a survey home with students tomorrow in order to get feedback from parents and assess its viability. After dinner, we headed to the hotel bar to watch the Eurocup since Portugal played Denmark and Germany was playing Netherlands. Not only did we get to drink some Tusken but we tried goat meat. It’s definitely interesting; the meat is a bit chewy, but it’s good—almost comparable to beef in taste.

The more we meet people from the community, the more I recognize the potential and passion in everyone here. There are so many ideas and people here are willing to take the steps necessary to build a better future but they lack resources. To be honest, I think I’d like to come back again and do more work here.

Long Days

Even though we’ve only been in Thiiri for two days, it feels like we’ve been here a week as the days are quite . It’s quite easy to get acquainted with the staff and the surrounding Kithoka community. Everyone is really friendly. I got a chance to go running this morning again but woke up around 7am instead since I had so much extra time yesterday. I didn’t think about it until tonight but it’s winter in Kenya right now which explains the cold weather. I definitely felt the cold wind when I walked out of my room this morning. After my run and breakfast, I walked to BLISS again with Afonso and Tomas to have another Swahili lesson. Today was a bit different though—we had a history lesson instead of a language lesson. We learned about the rites of passage that Kenyans go through: birth, naming, initiation/circumcision, marriage, and death. It was pretty interesting because the culture is so unique here.

After our lesson, we headed back as Tomas wasn’t feeling so well. He seems to be coming down with a cold from the unexpected cold weather. When we got back, we had some free time so I got a little bit of work done on my project while sitting outside on the second floor next to the dining room. I looked into some old material and the business plan my team and I created for a class as an example to look at. After some time, Ro and I played some ping pong and chatted a bit. She and the rest of the Medical students and the Pharmacy students were around Thiiri working on their projects. They are going out into the community the next few weeks and doing surveys in homes; they are on different projects though.

Lunch came around quickly and after we finished, our group headed to Nakumett, which is essentially a super Wal-Mart equivalent, to get cell phones. Everyone except Afonso, Tomas, and I needed cell phones since we have unlocked phones where we can just insert SIM cards. Unfortunately, they ran out of SIM cards after inputting them in the other new four phones. By this time, we were late for our meeting. The plan set in place yesterday was to have our team meetings from 2-4pm everyday but we didn’t get back to Thiiri until 2:30pm. I felt nervous that everyone would be there waiting for us. In fact, there were only about 5 of the locals who were there waiting for the meeting to start. The rest of the group (7 others) had still yet to arrive; I guess that’s what you call Kenyan time, which reminds me of Asian time.

After the meeting, which ran until 5pm or so, we had some time to relax before dinner. Initially, I didn’t really know what to do with myself since I’m not a big “free-time” person. I went to play ping pong but ended up watching others play. Then as Dan called out to a driver to take him into Meru city, Rama said we should go with him to pick up some SIM cards since we would be able to pick them up in the city. Unfortunately, we didn’t realize he was going to Nakumatt until the van was already leaving. This time around though I got a chance to walk around a bit and picked up some snacks and candy since the phone shop was still out of SIM cards.

When we got back, we ate some dinner and talked a bit before doing our own separate things. I tried to use the internet in the computing lab at first but there were too many people and devices trying to access the internet at once. It was not worth the wait. It wasn’t until much later, around 9pm or so that everyone stopped trying to access the internet and went to their rooms that I went back and used the computers. Everything was much, much faster.

I’ve really enjoyed myself these past few days. I know that my time here is very short so I’m trying to make the most of it by getting to know the locals here and building relationships. It is quite beautiful here, much greener than expected and much colder than anticipated, as I noted a few days ago. There’s a lot of passion in the people here and a lot of potential. I have met so many extremely intelligent Kenyans who I can hold a great conversation with. It’s really nice to hold engaging conversations with different people with different backgrounds and experiences.

Day Duo

Today was a pretty cool day and pretty eventful actually. The original plan set the night before was to have a meeting with Jim around 1pm after lunch. We were to have the morning free to explore Thiiri a bit and have the morning to ourselves. I woke up around 6:30am and went on a quick run. It was a LOT harder than I originally imagined. Being at 5,000 feet above sea level makes breathing while running much more difficult than anticipated. I got a chance to run past Imenti and BLISS while on the road. Whenever I passed kids and waved, they would wave back but the adults looked a bit more stoic and stared a lot when I passed by. After I came back, the electricity went out around 7:45am. At breakfast, I was sitting at a table with Jim, Tomas, Afonso, and Thomas. Thomas is the group leader for the GIEU student group and told us that he was heading over to BLISS for Swahili lessons for his students around 8:30am with a BLISS teacher. We asked if we could join and he obliged. BLISS is a little less than mile away from Thiiri so the walk was not too bad; however, the road was extremely rocky as we walked a bit off the road (compared to my run).

BLISS is very nicely built (see photo). The facilities look really great. We got a chance to meet some of the GIEU students and join in on their Swahili lesson. A BLISS teacher taught us greetings and first person nouns. The lesson lasted about an hour and a half until 10:30am. After that, Layne, Afonso, Gwin, and I split from the GIEU students and had a mini-tour of BLISS led by another teacher. We saw the garden in the backyard where they grow carrots, onions, kale, lettuce, and tomatoes. It was interesting because they use drip irrigation for the plants in the dry season. We also saw the two pigs, cow, and rabbits they raise in the back. They dissect the rabbits in the science lab apparently. After the tour of the lab, where they house many materials (beakers, balances, etc.), we headed back to Thiiri. We ran into Jim on the road and got a chance to talk more about the plans for the day.

Although the day originally started out pretty windy, the sun started to beat down on us on the walk back. We had about 30 minutes to relax before lunch so a few of us sat in the back of Thiiri near the swimming pool under the shade. After lunch, we had our meeting with Jim and a bunch of guests. There were past BLISS students, some university students, etc. but they were all locals of Meru. Essentially, it was an introduction into our program and project. We introduced ourselves and got a chance to hear a little bit more about the new friends. After the introduction, there was an attempt to make the conversation a bit more casual and to let the relationships grow more organically. There were some really interesting people in the room with different backgrounds and interests. After some time, Jim and Rama announced the teams. My team consists of myself, Will (more of a helper), Alex, Julius, and Victor. Will is the other undergraduate from UM who is not a part of the MPowered team but is helping out with different aspects of this entire project. Alex is a 2011 graduate from BLISS who graduated first in his class. He is going to university next year. Julius is a 2007 graduate from BLISS who is interested in technology and computers and he runs the BLISS computer lab. Victor is in university right now but he also runs the computer lab at Thiiri. Together, our team is hopefully developing the Swahili language resource business. They believe it is a viable and good idea even though there are some definite issues that must be ironed out. We ended up talking with our teams until about 6pm or so. I actually got a chance to bond pretty well with Alex and Julius as our conversation became a lot more organic and flowed from business to interests. In addition to the huge chunk of time that we spent with our teams today, we invited them to watch the Eurocup soccer match with us later that night. The hope was to go to a local bar in Meru and watch the England-France game.

Since the electricity was still out at 6:30pm and dinner was still being cooked, a soccer or “football” game started to get underway. As a poor soccer play, I stood and cheered as a spectator but it started getting quite dark so I couldn’t even follow the ball, to be honest. When dinner started around 7pm, there was still no electricity so we were running by candlelight and flashlights. It wasn’t until halfway through dinner that the lights came back on. Apparently, electricity is usually shut on Mondays to conserve electricity for the rest of the weeks. After dinner, two vans of us left to go watch the rest of the game at the bar about 5-10 minutes away. A bunch of our new Kenyan friends joined us so it was night to see them and develop the relationships in a more organic manner. We headed back some time after the Ukraine-Sweden game started.

Kenya First Impressions

The overall flight time was about 18 hours. I travelled from Miami to Atlanta to Amsterdam to Nairobi. I think the flight from Atlanta to Amsterdam was the hardest for some reason. I like to sit in aisle seats because I like to get up often and walk around the plane but I switched seats into a middle seat because the couple next to me wanted their daughter to sit next to them.

We touched down in Nairobi around 8:30pm. Kenya is 7 hours ahead of EST. There were about 15 of us on the plane, some Medical school students, some Pharmacy students, an Undergraduate, some faculty, and the MPowered students (that’s us). We went to a hotel of sorts about 25 minutes away from the airport for the night. They had nice accommodations—clean and friendly. The air isn’t has hot and humid as I thought it would be. Other people thought it was pretty humid but compared to South Florida, the humidity is not worse at all. There’s a bit of wind so it’s actually pretty nice weather. I woke up a few times during the night but that would be expected with the time change.
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After breakfast and a short debrief with group leader Dan Clauw, who apparently is a pretty big deal, we headed out. The debriefing covered some… interesting topics. We were advised again on our dress attire, which was sleeves and below knees, told not to take pictures of people without their permission, which is a big deal, etc. The interesting portion came when Dan covered sexuality. His end statement was, “Don’t do it.” Apparently, there was an incident last year in which a student had a sexual relationship with a Kenyan. It at least broke the ice. We left around 9am in four vans. Three vans had people in them, and the other had our luggage. Our driver was Jacob. Our destination was Meru (pronounced May-ru), which was about four hours away, heading Northeast from Nairobi. We were supposed to have three stops: the first at a Curio souvenir shop (which we considered more as a bathroom break), the second at Sweetwater (where we would eat lunch), and the third at another bathroom stop. We were told that we could buy souvenirs later on during our visit since this first visit would be extremely overpriced as the locals would see us as tourists who had money.

The stop at Sweetwater was really nice. I could tell that it was more of a tourist location though. The food was delicious and it’s located on a Conservatory so there were a bunch of animals roaming around. It’s about 110,000 acres of land. We were supposed to leave after lunch but instead, we got to go on a short tour around the land. We saw some antelope, wart hogs, a water buffalo, elephants, and rhinos. They also have a blind rhino, which they keep in the rhino sanctuary so we got a chance to get up and personal with him. I got to feed him and pet him. It was pretty awesome. We also got to see the equator “line”. Though it’s hard to measure exactly where the equator is, we know it’s around the area. Then we finally left our mini safari ride to head out. We got to Meru around 8pm—much later than anticipated. The MPowered group, the Undergrad, and the faculty are staying at the Thiiri Community Center and Medical and Pharmacy students are staying at the Imenti orphanage. To be honest, I wanted to stay at the orphanage so I could play with the kids but the Thiiri center is pretty amazing too. The grounds are really well kept and the people are extremely nice.

Right now, I’m sitting outside enjoying the really nice weather (a bit of wind, about 60 degree weather) and had some random thoughts and observations. Nairobi is a lot more developed than I imagined. The buildings look good and there really seems to be a lot of commerce that happens in the city. Once, you move out of the city however, it becomes a bit more like I envisioned when I first thought of what Kenya would be like. The dirt here is very orange-red because there’s a lot of iron in the soil. It’s hard to find a trashcan around. Most people burn their trash so I’ve smelled that a few times on the drive. We passed by the slums, and I can see there are a LOT of people who live in poverty here. About 50% of the population is unemployed. And to think of it, that’s what we’re here to hopefully solve and change. When we stopped to take some pictures of the city of Nairobi, I asked Jacob what he loved most about Kenya. When I was in Grenada, I remember asking our driver, Foxy, that same question and he said it was freedom that he enjoyed: the fact that you could do whatever you wanted whenever you wanted and no one would bother you. Jacob on the other hand took some time to think about it. He responded with the fact that Kenya is still developing and getting better. Since the new Constitution, there have been a lot of good changes but Kenya is bad. Then he added that there are cool animals to look at. It was interesting to get his perspective because he was born and raised in Kenya. I found it a bit odd that he couldn’t respond with one thing he loved most about his country.

Kenya is very different than what I first imagined. The weather is much nicer and the landscape is very mountainous. We’re at a high altitude here. The people are very friendly and inviting, at least those that I have met thus far. The accommodations are really impressive too. We're staying at the Thiiri community center (see photo). I honestly don’t feel like I’m living extremely out of my comfort zone as there is running warm water, working toilets, a bed with a mosquito net, good food, etc. It’s not bad but I definitely feel like I’m being treated extremely well… like a high paying tourist. I’m not saying it’s bad to be treated well but it just definitely feels a bit too comfortable.

I’m also worried about the work my team and I will be doing. The hope is that we’ll really be able to see a need for the community here and be able to provide a real business proposal for help. Timing is a factor as well as resources. Tomorrow is our third day, or second full day, but the agenda is unclear. Our meeting with Jim and Moses will be in the afternoon so we have the opportunity to get a bit adjusted in the morning. I think it’s good to get acquainted with the area but I find that I’m a person who likes to jump right in. I think I need to push real hard because I really do want to make an impact here.

Kenya-Bound

I'm sitting in the food court in Atlanta's airport, Terminal E.
I'm heading to Amsterdam in 2 hours and then to Kenya after that. I'm starting to get excited. It hasn't hit me fully yet but I know once we touch down, I'll figure it out.
More explorations when I land :)

Guilt-Riden

I've been in New York for two weeks and without stable internet access so I typed out some thoughts on my computer and am posting just now my past thoughts...
I feel guilty whenever I come back to New York.

When I see my grandparents, I know that time has passed and they are getting older. The first day I was in New York, I invited all three of my grandparents to eat yum cha. They didn’t know I was in town so it was a surprise when I first saw them. My grandpa (mom’s side) didn’t recognize me. He’s getting senile or something else. It was really sad that he didn’t know who I was anymore. I’ve always been closer to my mom’s parents and it struck something in me when he was staring at me, unsure of who I was. When I left to use the restroom, he asked my mom who was sitting next to him.

It hurt the first time more than now as I’ve tried to adapt to it. Sometimes he’s confused. There’s moments when he recognizes me and knows I’m his granddaughter but there’s also moments when he has no idea who I am and why I’m at his apartment eating dinner with him.

When I took him to the doctor yesterday, he refused to go into the room. Since he’s pretty old and has a lot of health issues (he’s had a few surgeries and he’s on twenty-something medications), he has to go see the doctor every week. But since he’s had so many health issues, he’s scared to go to the doctor. Therein lies the problem. Most times, he’s compliant and takes the shots, eats the pills, etc. But then there are also times when he just refuses to go in, refuses to eat or drink anything prescribed to him, etc. He’s stubborn—extremely stubborn. This time, he did just that. He walked back to the waiting room and would try to slap away anyone who would try to touch him and get him to go into the room. We sat there for two hours waiting for him. The nurses said that if he didn’t go into the room, they would have to send him to the hospital because they needed to get some liquid into him through an IV and if it didn’t happen at the doctor’s office, it would happen at the hospital. After two hours, we finally coerced/tricked him by telling him that he should go into the room and sleep since he was falling asleep in the chair. He finally went in and when he fell asleep, three of us (me, his caretaker, and a nurse) held him down and inserted the IV into his arm. He was screaming when the needle went in that other nurses actually came in. It sucked to watch him in pain. Then I also had to worry about my grandma who was also at the doctor since she too is not the healthiest woman in the world. She’s also on a bunch of medication and takes pills three times a day. They had the same time appointments so she was just waiting around for him to finish. She was hungry so after everything was set with my grandpa and he was just lying there waiting for all the liquids to go into his body, I went with my grandma to get food. I had to buy food and bring it back to the waiting room at the doctor’s office with her because I had made plans with a friend earlier that week and she commuted 30 minutes to get there. She had already waited an extra hour for me and I felt too guilty to cancel. But then I also felt guilty leaving them.

When I went back to see them and have dinner with them later that night, my spirits didn’t really improve. My grandpa wasn’t eating his medication and he wasn’t eating any dinner. He was sitting at the table with his head down the entire time. What am I supposed to do? I try telling him to eat, to take his medication, to listen to the doctors/nurses/caretakers but he’s stubborn.

I also feel sad for the caretakers. My grandparents share a caretaker. There are two of them—one who works 4 days and the other who works 3 days a week. Both work 24 hours meaning they watch my grandparents around the clock for a few days. They cook for them, take them to doctor appointments, etc. The ones my grandparents have are really great. I can tell they care and they do a lot more than what’s expected of them and what they’re paid to do. They help my grandparents bathe, they clean, they buy them dinner, etc. Since they work 24 hours, they’re not expected to do anything after 8pm until 9am the next morning other than ensure the elderly don’t fall down or anything extreme. They don’t have to cook them meals, clean, etc. But my grandparents’ caretakers do. And my grandparents are anything but the easiest people to take care of. My grandma yells at people and complains about everything. My grandpa is also extremely hard to handle. They have been through over 20 caretakers because no one wants to deal with them. The two that take care of them now are patient and just overall good people. When I was talking to the caretaker at dinner, I felt so sad though. She expressed how she sometimes gets so angry and frustrated with my grandparents. I don’t blame her. Not only does she go above and beyond what’s expected of her and really take care of them, but she’s not appreciated by them. She’s got a good heart. I also felt bad for her…not a pity feeling but more of just a saddening emotion. I told her that my mom and I really appreciated what she did for them and how she cared for them but still, I feel bad that I can’t help her in her situation, if that makes sense. Then I went back to feeling upset about my grandparents because she told me that when my grandparents go into the lobby and sit down, people around them get up and leave. And that is not one experience but every experience. Even the other caretaker shared the same observation. She said that it might be because they look unhealthy or sick and people can tell and don’t want to be “infected” with it. This just made me feel worse.

I’m a horrible person because for a split minute while contemplating all this, I thought to myself that maybe it would be easier if they passed away. There would be less stress and concern for my mom and family, and my grandparents wouldn’t go through pain. I know it’s a messed up thought… but I am messed up.

This week has been a week of guilt. I feel bad for being… young, I guess, for not being able to really do anything for them. When I make plans with friends, I have to leave them to go. But if I stay with them, all I’m doing is sitting next to them in the living/dining room. They don’t talk a lot and if they do, they’re usually mumbling about something random. I don’t mind spending time with them in silence and just being with them but I know that I can’t spend my life doing that—just sitting next to them for hours at a time every day. I still feel guilty though, whenever I leave them. They always want to know where I’m going and always sound so disappointed when I leave.

I want to take care of everyone. I want to take care of my grandparents and make sure they’re healthy. I want to take care of the caretakers who are really the ones who take care of my grandparents. I want to take care of my mom, who lives in an extremely small room and works incredibly hard for small pay.