Burn Out

I am done. I think I'm at the burn out period. I am a little less than a month away from break and I have been teaching for three months. These kids and their actions are taking a toll on me. There hasn't been a single event that has caused me to feel this way. It's just more of a buildup that has occurred. I realized it didn't take me long to adjust. I didn't stop to really figure out how I was dealing with everything. It's catching up to me now, and hitting me like a brick. I can't really explain how I'm feeling, but I'm going through a trough for sure.

I don't feel like I'm teaching these kids anything. I'll teach them someone one class and they forget it by the next class. Even worse, I'll teach something one period and they won't listen or pay attention and they will ask questions about what I taught them that same period. Examples: I told them they cannot start sentences with conjunctions (and, but, because, or) one day. The next class, people were at the board and were starting their sentences with "Because...". I turned to the class and asked what I taught them last class. No one responded. I asked them if they could start sentences with "And, But, Because, Or" and they all said yes. UGH. Another example: I taught them a lesson on Thanksgiving and then had them make turkey hands. While I was walking around, I saw a student turn to her neighbor and ask (in Korean), what Thanksgiving was. DOUBLE UGH. I even have an example from today. I taught a lesson on giving compliments. During the activity, a student wasn't writing a compliment (comic compliments) so I pointed to the paper and told him to write a compliment. He turned to his neighbor and asked what a compliment was. I wanted to just die right there. It's frustrating because I'm not teaching them complex things, just trying to improve their current abilities. They know what conjunctions and compliments are. This is all just frustrating.

It doesn't help that I taught at Andrew Moncada's school this past Saturday. His school had a Saturday English camp and he needed 3 more teachers so Katelyn, Tracey, and I taught alongside him. We rotated through four classes. He teaches at an all-boys high school in Iksan. His kids were ANGELS. It was so nice to have students pay attention, listen to directions, and pretty much grasp what I'm trying to say or convey to them. It was so nice and such a sharp contrast to my kids. In a way, I really wish I had decided to put down high school as a preference when I was filling out my preference sheet (although I probably wouldn't have gotten it since I didn't get anything else either) but still. Teaching middle school is really hard. I'm realizing it now. I get there are pros and cons to each and a lot of students sleep in high school and have no energy, but the tradeoffs seem really enticing right now. My kids are just taking their toll on me.

Onto an update of Korea adventures...

Two weeks ago, I tried 홍어, which is skatefish that ferments in its own pee. Tracey's school was having a celebration dinner for the teachers because school rankings came out and her high school is ranked first in our province, Jeollanamdo, and ranked third in all of Korea. It's quite a feat. All the high school teachers went out for a dinner, paid for by the school. Even though I'm at the middle school, I was invited and allowed to go because the Principal likes me, apparently. It doesn't taste like a lot at first but after a long time spent chewing, the ammonia hits your nose. It's not pleasant but it's something I wanted to do before I leave Korea.

That weekend of November 16th, I went to Seoul and met up with almost all of the ETAs. Tracey and I went into Seoul a little later on Friday because there was a radio show that was recording her students that Friday. I went to see it in her school library after my classes and the kids were really impressive. One of her students, Jean, did a rap and he was REALLY good. I actually played basketball with him one time and he's really into rap. His English was really good and I was impressed. Anyway, after the radio show recording, we left for Seoul. The KAEC office was hosting an ETA Thanksgiving dinner for all of us on Saturday night. It was really nice of them. The food was good but I think I set myself up for failure because I was looking forward to green bean casserole and mac and cheese. Those are my two favorite things from a Thanksgiving meal and both were missing from the dinner, unfortunately. There was turkey, ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and cranberry sauce though. Overall, I shouldn't complain because it was a very nice dinner and it was great of the Fulbright office to do it for us. The Ambassador was present and so were other Embassy officials.

After the dinner at the National Folk Museum, a bunch of us headed over to the Cheonggyecheon Stream for the Seoul Lantern Festival. It reminded me of the Jinju Lantern Festival but not as extravagant or large.

The week after coming back from Seoul (last week) was when I started feeling a bit dissatisfied being here. I'm not sure if it was because I was so tired. I went out both Friday and Saturday night in Seoul. On Friday night, we didn't get back to the hostel until 4am and on Saturday night, I got back around 2am. On the other hand, I'm just feeling like the kids don't want to be here. It's a bit of everything. Regardless, I did a lesson on Thanksgiving for my students. I do want to hit upon one story: I was putting up turkey hands that students had made in some of the classroom I teach in before lunch. After lunch (about an hour later), I walked by the classroom and saw that all the drawings were torn down. During lunch, students (usually the boys) will invade a classroom and use the computer to play games and watch videos. So, when I went into the classroom, a bunch of students were still around on the computer and messing around. I asked who tore my drawings down. The students were all looking at me and not saying anything. There were some kids pointing at a kid (I think just to pick on him) but I was not having it. I just walked away. I went back to my desk pretty disappointed. I had spent time putting up the drawings. About ten minutes later, two of my students came to my room and had a bunch of the drawings in their hands. They had gone through the trash to collect them. I was still angry with them so I told them I didn't want them but I wanted them to go back up on the wall. I handed them my stapler and off they went. About five minutes later, they came back. I went into the room and it was chaotic. They had just stapled the drawings around the back wall randomly, everywhere, in every direction. There were about three of my boy students putting them up. I looked at them and shook my head. I told them I wanted them next to one another, in an organized fashion. I was standing at the front of the room watching them and it was actually pretty funny. One of the students ripped a part of the paper but then immediately covered it up with his hand. I found it so funny. He didn't mean to rip the paper but once he realized he did, it was very obvious he wished he had not done so. I actually started laughing and told him it was okay. It actually cheered me up some, the fact that they put the pictures back up. There is some hope that the kids care.

This weekend, I went to Iksan with Tracey late on Friday night for Andrew's camp (as mentioned earlier). After we finished the camp at 3pm, the four of us went to downtown Iksan where Andrew and Katelyn showed us around. We went to CGV and watched the last Twilight movie. I haven't read the books and have only seen the first Twilight (Freshman year of college with Aubrey and the twins because Aubrey really wanted to go see it) so I wasn't too sure about it but I ended up actually really liking it, surprisingly. I know the Twilight series are really lovely dovey and crap, which I was not looking forward to (since the first movie was like that) but the last one was actually pretty entertaining (the ending at least). The beginning was kinda too much stupid love/stuff-that-would-not-happen-in-real-life but the movie got really good at the end. There's this huge, epic battlescene with people ripping other peoples' heads off and the four of us were pretty much screaming in the theater. We were so loud, screaming, "OOHHHHHHH" and "AHHHHHH" every 10 seconds but it was HILARIOUS and absolutely RIDICULOUS. I won't say much more about it but the movie exceeded my expectations (though to be fair, I didn't really have any to begin with). I enjoyed myself. After the movie, we went to the arcade where there is this one awesome game. Andrew and Katelyn said the game was a rite of passage for all those who visit Iksan. It was a lot of fun; it's a video arcade Korean version game of Super Mario Party, if that makes sense.

Oh and one last thing. When I got back from Iksan on Saturday night, there was a puppy in my host family's apartment! My homestay got a dog finally and she's adorable. She's tiny and only 5 months old right now. Her name is 까비.

Gratification

Last Thursday was the 수능, which is the college entrance exam. I had no school Thursday and it was half a day on Wednesday because the teachers had to go to a meeting to prepare for proctoring the next day. The 수능 is a HUGE deal in Korea. It's really a national event, really. No planes are allowed to fly that day (seriously). There are police roadblocks set up around schools sometimes to stop noise and work on traffic flow so no student is late to it. It's a BIG deal. It's THE test that makes or breaks a students' future, in a sense. This is especially true if you are trying to get into a specific university or study a specific major. This is what all students are preparing for when they study. This exam is what all the high school students are studying for everyday from 8am-midnight. It's ridiculous but this is the Korean education system. So while the rest of Korea was holding their breath waiting for their kids, siblings, friends to get out of the 수능, I was sleeping in and bumming around. I went to Cafe Mama's (the coffee shop I go to around my house to lesson plan) and did some work for a little bit with Tracey. After the 수능, people celebrate and the third year high school students all give out a collective sigh. Their stress goes from 100% to 0% within a span of 9 hours(how long the 수능 lasts). They only have half days at school after the exam (they leave at noon) and most kids don't even have to go to school since all they do is watch movies and hang out from then onward. At the Yeongheung high school (Tracey's school and my connected high school), the kids no longer have hair cut length requirements so kids have elaborate plans to dye, perm, and grow out their hair, etc. Days following the 수능, parents take their kids out to eat at fancy restaurants, buy them phones, electronics, etc. It's a BIG deal. It's interesting to see it all play out because there's nothing as big in America. The SATs are nothing compared to the 수능.

So I volunteer at a North Korean Defector Program (NKD), teaching English on Thursday nights. This past Thursday was so rewarding and gratifying. I've been working with two students, both in middle school. Let's called them S and Z, to protect their identities. This past week, only S showed up and I would say that he's slightly more advanced than Z. So I started about two months ago and the goal is to get them reading by the end of the year (by the time I leave Korea). I started with the absolute basics of the alphabet. The problem is that as fast as I wanted to go, I had to work with their speed. Even though I would tell them to study at home, they never would. So the only time they really worked on anything I gave them was when they were with me for an hour on Thursday. That's why it ended up taking so long to get through the alphabet. After we got through the alphabet (which took a few weeks) and even today, Z hasn't gotten it zone, we focused on the consonant sounds. Last week was the breakthrough with S. I taught him the short vowel sounds for 'a' and 'e'. I used consonant-vowel-consonant (CVC) words to teach him and it worked. It was SO gratifying; honestly, it was more rewarding than I thought. I know I still have a long way to go and this is just one small step but it was still a step. He was sounding out the sounds like I taught him and he was getting it. It wasn't perfect but it worked. It was awesome. I'm excited to see Z this week and bring him up to speed too.

On another note, planning for Winter Break is really time consuming and kind of difficult. I don't want to travel anywhere alone, not because I can't but because traveling is just more fun when you are with other people. It takes a lot of effort to talk to a lot of different ETAs and figure out their plans and where they're going and if you are interested in going there at that time, etc. It's giving me a headache.

Following the Halloween incident where a student stole a lollipop from my backpocket last week, I decided to punish my kids. I had all my classes write lines for 15 minute at the beginning of class where they copied, "I am sorry teacher for not respecting you. I will respect you." It went awesome. I had a co-teacher translate all my slides at the beginning which explained the situation. I wanted all my students to understand why I was punishing them. If they didn't understand why I was making them copy lines, then they would just resent me. I imagined my Korean teacher coming into Korean class one morning and yelling at us in Korean and not being to understand her. If that happened, I would be so confused and angry if she punished us by writing lines. If she came in, guns blazing, and explained to us in English why she was angry, I would at least understand the reasoning behind her actions. In my powerpoint slides, I wrote out the situation in English and Korean so that my students understood. I didn't want any excuses from anyone about the punishment. It worked. I even got a few letters out of it from students, while they were copying lines.

This past weekend, I didn't travel. My family had told me a few weeks ago that my sister, 지은 would be going to the hospital for a quick test on Saturday and our family would be going with her and then playing afterwards. Bright and early Saturday morning, around 7:45am, we piled into the car and drove for about an hour. Her test only took about 30 minutes. Afterwards, we drove to Gwangju and ate at a duck restaurant. It was delicious. We must've spent at least an hour and a half eating at this place. I was so full; we ate around 11am and I wasn't hungry by the time dinner rolled around at 7pm. After lunch, we went to Lotte Outlets in Suwan, Gwangju. My parents dropped bank there. I guess it's because they don't go shopping very often but they had no shame buying things left and right. For example, we stopped at the Kappa store and they dropped like 200,00원 (a little less than $200) for two track suits for my brother. It was interesting watching them go to town. After the outlet mall, we headed back home and bummed around for the rest of the day.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'm heading to Seoul to see all (or at least almost all) of the ETAs for Thanksgiving dinner, provided by the KAEC. It's gonna be a big shindig, with the KAEC office and the Ambassador. They go all out for us; they rent out a museum and there's apparently all the typical Thanksgiving food. It's hosted by the military and it's about $50 a head. It's gonna be epic.

Changes in an Instant

I stayed around in Mokpo this weekend--thought it'd be nice to spend a weekend at home since I've been traveling so much. The plan was to bum around the apartment with the family a little bit and also go to my boys' soccer game on Saturday.

After school on Friday, one of Tracey's co-teacher invited us to dinner with her and her husband and kid. The family has AMAZING English. The son's English is absolutely incredible--I think it's better than all my students, honestly. Most Korean kids know English grammar in theory but can't apply it. This kid's speaking and listening ability is incredible. I was able to talk at a somewhat normal speed and he would understand and respond. Tracey tells me he reads English chapter books. That's better than most of my students. Her husband and son live in Gwangju for her husband's job. They see each other on weekends. The son is home schooled. It's an interesting concept in Korea. They took us to a restaurant and then we went to a cafe afterwards and chatted. I think her husband used to be an English teacher too since he also had really good English. We talked a lot about the education system and how different it was in Korea/Asia versus America. It was definitely a good conversation and it got me thinking a lot about how imperfect all education systems really are.

On Saturday morning, I went to my boys' soccer match. How I came to hear about it is a story. At school, I can tell which kids come running in from playing sports and which kids are more active when I visit them in PE. One specific day about two weeks ago, I was leaving the gym and saw two of my boys walk in. These two boys are what I would call the "popular kids" in my class. They are in 3-3, which used to be my worst class on Wednesdays but because they like me, the overall ability to control the class has increased significantly. The class is so much more manageable than the first few weeks and I think the boys even like me (most of them at least). Anyway, they were coming into the gym and I thought it was odd since I knew they weren't a part of the gym class I was just playing with and it was also the end of the day so there would be no next gym class. I asked what they were doing and they said they were going to play soccer. They then said they were getting ready for a contest (competition I deduced). They showed me a piece of paper with a bunch of Korean I didn't understand but I got the gist of the information. I asked them when it was and they said it would be two Saturdays away. I told them I wanted to watch them play and they started to give me more information but I told them to remind me in class when I would see them on Wednesday. They gave me information about location, 목포국제축구션터(Mokpo International Football Center), the time, 12:40pm, and the field, Star Field. It's the same place Liam coaches soccer on Saturdays/Sundays. I had mentioned to them in class that I would bring them cookies but I don't think they actually believed me when I said I would come. I also saw almost the entire team on Friday after school on the bleachers/stairs. I told them I'd see them Saturday since most of the team didn't actually know. One of the students said, "No, thank you." T.T Actually, a majority of the guys I saw practicing are some of my rowdier, "bad" students. Most of them don't pay attention in my class and manage to disrespect me in one way or another. Regardless, I was going to go. Tracey met me at EMart Saturday, around 12:30pm where I was picking up cookies. Then we caught a taxi to the soccer field and met up with Liam; he then led me to my boys. The game was already in swing and I saw my boys (I recognized their blue uniforms) so I headed over to the ones on the sidelines. They were all sitting on the turf. As I approached, they noticed me but I could tell them were looking bummed. I ended up chatting with one of my students, whose English name is Sawyer (he's in class 3-1 and has pretty good English actually). He told me the game was actually moved up to 12:10 so I was arriving for the later part of the game. They only had about 10 minutes left and the score was 2-0 (the other team) so that's why everyone was kinda depressed. The team they were playing in this first round was the team that won the competition last year. Apparently my school's team got 2nd last year. It was just unfortunate these two teams were playing each other in the first round of the competition. I told my boys to cheer up and gave Sawyer the cookies to give out to the rest of the team later. I hung out with them on the turf but other than Sawyer and the popular kid who was the main one who invited me to the game, none of the boys really talked to me. I don't blame them since they were losing the game and it wasn't looking good for them. I didn't realize which of my boys were actually on the team until I saw them playing. Half of them I didn't even realize would be out there. After they lost (3-0), they went to the other side of the field where their stuff was and Tracey, Liam, and I headed over there after a bit. I saw almost all of the gym teachers there. They all came out to support the boys I guess. I think they were surprised to see me though. I also saw a few other of my boy students, friends of the soccer players, there. All my students seemed pretty surprised to see me but none of them really questioned why I was there. I mean, it was obvious I was there to see them. Since they lost, the overall mood was kinda down. Well, they have next year...
Afterwards, I went to a family owned cafe (non chain) on Rose near my place. I graded some papers and Tracey joined me later. Around dinner time, Lizzie, Annie, and Liam joined us so we could get dinner together. We headed out to the bar, Cool Luck, after and had some random life chats and what not. It's nice to have educated conversations with people. I never really appreciate it until I have conversations with ignorant people. I am glad that Fulbright selects well though.

On Sunday, my sister woke me up. She asked me if I was going to go with our family to drive her back to college in Gwangju. Even my host brother was going so I got up and got ready after a little bit. My mom asked me if I wanted to stay at home and rest but I wanted to spend time with them so I tagged along. After dropping her off at school, the four of us went to a restaurant to eat. My mom says it's a famous restaurant in Korea. It was delicious but it wasn't the best thing I've had. It's nice to spend time with my family doing random things even if it's nothing too exciting.

So, again, I leave things for the end. I found out tonight that my grandma passed away yesterday morning (EST). I called my mom tonight with the intention of asking her if she was still planning on coming to visit in February. She got on the phone and said, "Don't cry that grandma's gone." I was in shock. I made sure she said grandma. Apparently she told my brother to send me a message through Voxer (a texting app we use) yesterday but he never did. So I'm not sure what happened but she's been sick and in the hospital for some time now (since my grandpa passed away). I was told she had colon cancer but even that, I'm not sure how true it is. So my mom told me this information and I just...didn't know how to digest it. It's a weird situation since my mom has always been closer to her dad (my grandpa) than her mom (my grandma) so I've grown up being trained to be "biased" towards my grandpa. In reality though, my grandma was the one who raised me. I remember how my mom and grandma would always joke about how my grandma would stick her tongue out with saliva and as a baby, I would just suck it up. It sounds disgusting now but as a baby, what can you do? My mom's family dynamic is a bit complicated so I won't get into it but my mom always had something against my grandma and I don't think she ever forgave her. So even when we were on the phone talking, my mom was talking negatively about her mother that just passed. I was getting angry and told her to stop talking about her negatively. My mom said something that was pretty attacking so I hung up. I sound like an ungrateful daughter but again, this is a weird situation to explain. It's family issues. I am kind of in shock. It hasn't hit me. Actually, it hit me on Friday that I have no living grandpas left. Now, today, I only have one living grandparent alive. Wow. Life really just changes in an instant. I think I need more time to just think about this. My grandma wasn't a Christian. Even in the hospital, she refused to believe in it. This is what makes me saddest.

RIP Grandma 11-3-12

The Audacity of These Kids

So observation by parents were 'eh on Tuesday. It had to be my worst class, 2-3, and my 3-1 class, but I did the best with what I got. My lesson on conditionals was simple and repetitive enough for all my students to understand, so that was a win. So it was an open class so parents could come in and out of my room and stay or leave as they wanted. There were times I had no parents in my room, one parent in my room, and even twenty parents in my room. Oh, and when I say parents, I actually mean mothers. My 2-3 class was rowdy, per usual when they came in and weren't any different when there was anything less than five parents in the room. They're always super loud, chit chatty, and overall just disrespectful. Then there was a horde of parents that came in at once. They were dead silent. It's the quietest I've EVER heard them before. I even made a comment to them at the end of my instructions where I said, "You are all so good now that your mothers are watching you." A few of them who understood what I was saying chuckled.

Thursday was Halloween and it was a BUST day. So I bought candy from Costco in Busan (expensive since I bought so much) and hauled it back with me for these ungrateful kids. I thought I would do something nice for them and show them a little bit of American culture. I was only going to give one Dum-Dum for each student since I had a little more than enough for all of my students. Long story short, I realized how little some students respect me. It went horribly. I was trying to have a system where only one kid would take a piece at a time so I could control how much they would take. But then one kid would put a hand in, then another, then madness would ensure where there would be 20 hands in the bag. Kids were taking HANDFULS of Dum-Dums. The ones who took a lot would run away immediately after taking them even when I called for them to come back. Eventually, I stopped the madness. I was even willing to let it go. Then something happened that set me off.
I was coming back from lunch and there were tons of kids waiting for me. So I had them line up in the hallway and went to get my candy. This time, I monitored VERY closely so I only had one kid take a piece of candy at any given time. I felt a tap on my shoulder and a first year student, the captain in Mr. Cho's homeroom class who has excellent English, handed me a Chupa-Chup and said, "Happy Halloween." She's a real sweet kid. Anyway, I put the lollipop in my back pocket and kept giving out candy. Then I felt the lollipop leaving my back pocket. I turned around and there were a bunch of kids around. I asked who took it and all of them denied taking it. Kids were pulling their pockets inside out and even searching each other, patting each other down. Still, all of them claimed, "Not me, Teacher." So I said to the hall and line of students, "Someone stole my candy so no candy for anyone." With that, I walked back into my office, shut my door to all the students in the hallway groaning, and locked up the candy in my cabinet. The audacity of these students is RIDICULOUS. How dare a student steal from me. One student's action speaks volumes about all the students though.
So, this is when I decided to take action. My lesson for this week, following Halloween, in a punishment lesson. I first explain the situation to my students and then I have them write lines for the first 15 minutes of class. I tell them the main concern is that I find that the students do not respect me. I tell them I will not tolerate it. I wrote my powerpoint slides in English and had Mr. Cho translate them all in Korean. I want every single student to understand the situation so all of them will understand why I am angry and why they are being punished. When we were at Orientation, if my Korean teacher came in one day and started yelling at us in Korean, and then told me to write lines in Korean, I would be super confused and probably a bit angry because it would seem unreasonable and unfair. So, I ensured all my slides explaining the situation were in English and Korean. This gives the students no excuses for not understanding. Then I have them write lines for 15 minutes; they write "I am sorry Teacher for not respecting you. I will respect you." I was going back and forth about my feelings for this lesson. I didn't want to go through with it since I have some really great classes and some great students that I know respect me. For example, I know that none of my third year girl students were involved. So, I feel bad for punishing them. However, if I punish some kids, I have to punish all of them. Otherwise, students will claim it is unfair and I am showing favoritism. I don't want there to be any gray; it is black and white. Plus, this Korean culture of 우리 (we-ness) plays here. One student's lack of discretion leads to punishment for all.
I started this new lesson on Thursday. I think the anger in my voice when I called for their attention at the beginning of class gave them the hint it was not a fun day. In a few classes, there have been some mutters about how unfair it is, not understanding (when I ask if they understand), etc; when I hear any dissent, I give my stare in the general direction and ask them to repeat it. They never do. They know I'm angry and they understand the situation so I think they realize I am very serious and it is not a joking matter with me. So far, I've done this punishment lesson on Thursday and Friday. It's worked WONDERS so far. Some classes are more "receptive" to the story and understanding why they're writing lines than others but overall, none of my students really question my authority, once they realize I'm angry. This isn't my "most successful" lesson by any means but it is probably the best class management lesson I've had yet. This is even better than my sacrificial lambs when I first starting teaching.

Well, at least I've learned something--to be a Korean middle school teacher, classroom management is more important than teaching. Truth.